As a very smart child, I typically got 100%'s on school tests. With the occasional 98% came my mother's (may she rest in peace) inevitable question: "What happened to the other 2 points?" Excellence, I was taught, would not do - it had to be perfect. As an adult, a woman I know once suggested I strive for 75% accomplishment in my life's tasks. I looked at her as if she had five heads. 75%? At least 90% was necessary. A third wise woman later told me perfectionism is an illusion - it does not exist. I wanted to throttle her. After a lifetime of striving for perfection, and all the stress, time and energy this entailed, I was angry at and disappointed by the thought that it was an impossibility to achieve.
If you had a similar upbringing, perhaps you know of this drive to be perfect. What you may not realize is that what may underlie it is low self-esteem. Perfectionism is an unconscious attempt to overcompensate for feeling bad about yourself. It's a way to get external validation from the world. If you look good, sound eloquent, achieve, save others, etc., you MUST be valuable. If not you're not, and you've somehow failed. We create high standards for ourselves and thereby in others. This causes stress within us and in those close to us. It strains our relationships. No one can live up to such standards. And when we focus on what's wrong vs. on what's right in us, it only makes us feel worse about ourselves.
The other day I had an epiphany. Looking around my apartment, I wondered what life would be like if I no longer existed. My home and the things in it suddenly seemed empty. My existence had made them what they were. In that moment I had a deep knowing that I mattered. I was completely unique and left my own imprint on the universe. I had value - intrinsic value, not based on grades or what I achieved. My stress level suddenly decreased. The pressure was off. I was perfectly acceptable AS I WAS. I was ecstatic! What a relief!!