As a very smart child, I typically got 100%'s on school tests. With the occasional 98% came my mother's (may she rest in peace) inevitable question: "What happened to the other 2 points?" Excellence, I was taught, would not do - it had to be perfect. As an adult, a woman I know once suggested I strive for 75% accomplishment in my life's tasks. I looked at her as if she had five heads. 75%? At least 90% was necessary. A third wise woman later told me perfectionism is an illusion - it does not exist. I wanted to throttle her. After a lifetime of striving for perfection, and all the stress, time and energy this entailed, I was angry at and disappointed by the thought that it was an impossibility to achieve.
If you had a similar upbringing, perhaps you know of this drive to be perfect. What you may not realize is that what may underlie it is low self-esteem. Perfectionism is an unconscious attempt to overcompensate for feeling bad about yourself. It's a way to get external validation from the world. If you look good, sound eloquent, achieve, save others, etc., you MUST be valuable. If not you're not, and you've somehow failed. We create high standards for ourselves and thereby in others. This causes stress within us and in those close to us. It strains our relationships. No one can live up to such standards. And when we focus on what's wrong vs. on what's right in us, it only makes us feel worse about ourselves.
The other day I had an epiphany. Looking around my apartment, I wondered what life would be like if I no longer existed. My home and the things in it suddenly seemed empty. My existence had made them what they were. In that moment I had a deep knowing that I mattered. I was completely unique and left my own imprint on the universe. I had value - intrinsic value, not based on grades or what I achieved. My stress level suddenly decreased. The pressure was off. I was perfectly acceptable AS I WAS. I was ecstatic! What a relief!!
Dear Susan, I have found that perfection is not whether or not you get 100% on the test. It's that you took the test and truely tried your best, including studing hard, geting enough rest before hand ect. ect. regardless what you recieved as your score..G-d will never love us any less or more than He already does regardless what we do.(or don't do!) However He can become more pleased with us. Just as a parent can become more pleased with thier own child..Some parents don't know how to bring up thier own children, or how to show love, even though they probably do love them, but are not pleased with them or themselves..(at times)
It's touching the lives of others that matters most to G-d, and thinking less of pleasing ourselves. If we don't take offense, how can we get angry at others at what they say or think.. That's what I am working on...I am also working on not offending others.(or G-d). That's a big one.. G-d gives us grace, so I am commanded to give grace to others..
I wish you well on your Journey,May G-d be pleased by your growth, After all. In my life. I just want to Please Him First..Lot's of Love Steve PS great website you have, great articles!PS.
If our selfesteem is good we would not let offense from others affect us..That is your whole premise in your other article.. It's important not to give offense as well! That would show low self esteem, as you had said! We agree!
Posted by: Steve Pollack | January 03, 2009 at 10:00 PM